Fat head, fat ass

This will shock everyone, but I've started a detox...AGAIN. This time I am sure I do NOT need help to keep motivated since I've been feeling so horrible. Before my hubby left for deployment I was completely apathetic to Paleo and our previous lifestyle that all turned for the worst. Bread became handy. Cake completed me.

I have a terrible sweet tooth and am addicted to cakes, cookies, brownies...anything that may be pastry like or resemble a sweet. Did I mention chocolate candy? Not only did I feel terrible inside but I was sluggish and lazy at the gym.

I decided to take the bull by the horns and slaughter the big ass, which was turning me into a big ass. No competition this time, it's just with myself.

And this is the worst part. I looked at pictures of myself when I began my first competition, The Zone, back in January of 2010.

The verdict: THERE IS NO DIFFERENCE.

The pictures I took of myself today versus the ones 16 months ago look the same. How terribly sad.

Armed with my Everyday Paleo cookbook I will conquer this life. But Angela, you say, why should this be inspiring NOW, when, back in November you were so strong-willed and confident with your change to Paleo? I will tell you the answer: Stress. I need to find a way to control my thoughtless food choices, including the food wine that feeds my soul. I was going back and forth, on a see-saw of "Life's too short!" and "Do you want to feel like crap?"

The pictures I compared today are just the tip of the iceberg. Unfortunately I have no pictures of me before and after my Paleo journey in the fall of 2010. And, alas, I do not have the guts to post the pictures I took today. This competition is for myself alone. I want to see the change, not just feel it.

Chocolate Zucchini Muffins

Yesterday I did some much needed therapeutic baking. The only real control I have over my life right now is how I eat, and I need to get back on track with Paleo. I have made these muffins before, but I tweaked the recipe a bit yesterday and they turned out amazing. Great for breakfast or snack, save some or you may eat them all in one sitting.

The original recipe calls for grapeseed oil and chocolate chips (73%). If you didn't want to use any chips I am sure substituting your nut of choice would be just as tasty.

Chocolate Zucchini Muffins adapted from Elana's Pantry

1/4 c coconut flour

1/4 tsp sea salt

1/4 tsp baking soda

1 tsp cinnamon

2 eggs

1/4 c evoo

1/4 c agave nectar

1 1/2 c shredded zucchini

1/2 c carob chips

Oil your mini-muffin tin and preheat the oven to 350°. Mix the flour, salt, baking soda and cinnamon in a bowl and set aside. Mix the eggs, oil, agave, and zucchini together. Stir wet and dry ingredients together until well mixed and add the chips. Pour approximately one tablespoon of batter into each muffin cup. Bake for 18-22 minutes. Makes exactly 24 mini-muffins.

To all my lady friends

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-1359325/Gwyneth-Paltrows-skinny-figure-Men-turned-skeletal-chic.html

GOD BLESS HIM!!!

Happiness

Today we did a 2K row and a 1 mile run. I am terrible at rowing, have watched a few videos online, but I still can't get the technique down great. Needless to say, I rowed a 10.0 min flat. And that was pulling hard every count of 5 or so.

The awesome news is that my mile was fantastic!

8:27

I have NEVER run that fast!!!! Even months ago I ran a 9:17, so that is 50 seconds off my time. I'm pretty stoked!!!

Yep

Just to be clear...I did two hard core days of Whole30 and gave into the temptation of wine. And chocolate. And a million other things that make life worth living. I will begin again, soon, because I really can't take much more of feeling like crap, since I'm eating crap...you get the picture. Shawn leaves soon for training and I think that's when I'll start. I just can't wrap my head around it right now. Just wanted to make sure for all you folks out there who thought I was made of steal...not so much.

Ha.

Golden Orange Scones

On Day 2 of my newest Whole30, I grabbed my newest favorite thing, The Gluten-Free Almond Flour Cookbook and got to work. These scones are adapted from Elana's Orange Apricot Scones.

3 cups blanched almond flour

1/4 tsp sea salt

3/4 tsp baking soda

1/2 tsp ground cinnamon

1/4 tsp ground nutmeg

1/8 c evoo

1/8 c apple sauce + 3 T apple sauce

3 large eggs

1/2 c golden raisins

1/4 c freshly squeezed orange juice

1 T orange zest

Preheat oven to 350°. Line 2 baking sheets with parchment paper.

In a large bowl, sift together the first 5 ingredients (to nutmeg).

In a blender, combine the remaining ingredients and process for about 30 seconds.

Stir the wet into the dry until thoroughly combined. Drop batter by 1/4 c 2 inches apart onto prepared sheets.

Bake for approx 20 minutes, checking after 15.

CrossFit Total

The CrossFit Total is the sum of the best of three attempts at the squat, the press, and the deadlift. The first attempt would be a weight you know you can do for a heavy set of three. The second attempt would be a weight you know without any doubt that you could do for a single, having just done the first attempt. And the third attempt is the weight you want to do, based on your performance on the previous two attempts. -Mark Rippetoe

Basically, you max out your weight with the three movements mentioned above.

Shoulder press is my worst move, since my upper body is weaker than my lower body. My max today: 80#. PR’d 15#

Deadlift, deadlift, deadlift. I’ve been beating myself up lately about body weight deadlifts. One Saturday in the near past, I tried the prescribed weight (body weight) and got through 2 sets of 14 before I felt I should drop weight because my back felt tight. Ten pounds off and it was better. And I felt like a wimp. The WOD took me 10 minutes longer than everyone else, and I had to drop weight. When finished, I went to the bathroom and cried. Nice.

Deadlift max today: 205#. PR’d 40#

Without encouragement from my fellow Crossfitters I never would have even imagined I could’ve tried 205. Thank you Tonya, Ed, and Meri!

Back squat. Out of the three moves today, I feel this is my best. Again, with the weight. Once the numbers get above 150, I start to freak out. It’s all in my head, but I exponentially concerned with looking like a fool...or worse, hurting myself for being stupid. It was okay, no injuries.

BS max today: 170#. PR’d 45# (I think).

With 455# today and my body weight, I am between intermediate and advanced. Wahoo!! Thank you CrossFit Rio Rancho!

The Truth Is Out There

On the eve of 2010 I had a fearful symmetry with a group I loved and released myself from said group. I didn’t know myself and had become a scary monster. To end game the ghost in the machine, I wrote. Feeling closure, the fire left me as did the bad blood. All the signs and wonders in the beginning of 2011 made me face the grotesque details of the past year.

void

where once a heartbeat joined and sure;

one breath off, insecure.

where is the drum, once so loud?

yonder yet, beyond the bounds;

Behold! the heart in the mist!

left by wolves to loneliness

can it sustain life on it’s own?

without ears, does it drum?

this one heart, who’s left to hear?

whisper, whisper-- thundering ears!

cloaked by sorrow, life remains,

who remarks with kindness feigned?

Wait! I am solid, I feel the throb!

it is MY heart, is it not?

shadows move, the mist is lifting!

I remain. apart and drifting

where once my heart did beat alone

in tune with all, a blessed stone

left aside to be heard by none

what once was known is now undone.

(Written in Sept, 2009)

I now feel no shadows when darkness falls or am sleepless with revelations. I am the pusher of myself. I have shed my demons and the unusual suspects. I have detoured into life, the red and the black, and come out from underneath young at heart. Life is irresistible and within the existence of all things there are millions of sunshine days. Be your own first person shooter. Find your zero sum. Be the drive. There is no void.