The Circle

"First, second, third, dead fuckin' last."

Yep, you read right. Yesterday's workout:

21-15-9

Shoulder Press 95/65

Push Press 95/65

Weighted sit-ups 35/25

This is the quote I should've remembered:

"Does your workout make you nervous? It should."

Shoulder Press is a weakness for me because I am nowhere near as strong in my upper body. I have lifted 65 before, so I really didn't think too much about it. I knew it would be hard, but not as hard as it happened to be. I think I did 6 in a row the first set and then it was one. at. a. time. 39 shoulder presses. ONE. AT. A. TIME.

During the 15 set I tried to drop weight because my workout mates were way ahead and I didn't think I could finish at 65 pounds. Nada. My badass sweet, loving trainer wouldn't let me. I was even spotted by a nice friend who I continually whined bitterly to thanked for his help. No dropped weight. I have never wanted to quit so badly in my entire time at CrossFit. I kept praying my husband wouldn't show up because I knew if I saw his face I would surely burst into frustrated tears.

It was horrible. I finally finished, completely relieved it was over. 31:05, almost double everyone else's time on the board.

Some of those people were behind me, literally and figuratively, to the end. I might have doubled their time, but they tripled their efforts to encourage me. In the end I realized I could not have finished without them. In a dark room, alone, I would've quit. How many people stand behind you for 15 minutes with praise to continue? Rilke wrote it best:

I can tell by the way the trees beat, after

so many dull days, on my worried windowpanes

that a storm is coming,

and I hear the far-off fields say things

I can't bear without a friend,

I can't love without a sister.

-from The Man Watching

Enter the Charlatan

When I began this Paleo journey I was terrified. I had been measuring and monitoring my meals with The Zone, which I loved. So many questions went through my mind: How will I lose anything without measuring my food? How will I not eat too much? What if I gain? What will I do without a “cheat day”?

I put a mountainous amount of pressure on myself for my Whole30. And I did not slip.

That said, yesterday was day 31. And I shared a bottle of wine with my hubby for dinner.

I can give a million excuses. My day was hard (it wasn’t), the kids were driving me crazy (they were, but they were playing nicely together), I was hormonal (when am I not?), I deserved a treat because of all my hard work those past 30 days.

WHAT?!?!

No good. That last statement is the one I am trying to cleanse myself of. Not to be wishy-washy, but I do waiver between thoughts.

Life’s too short.

My goal is myself at my best.

You only live once.

Stay on the path.

Everything in moderation...

I could go on and on and mentally make myself sick. Because even though I didn’t sway during my Whole30 and I feel fantastic, I still came in last during the workout on Tuesday night. My goal isn’t to be first, just to see some progress. Usually I am last and I’m used to that. One of my favorite quotes is:

“If at first you don’t succeed, find out if the loser gets anything.”

Eating clean isn’t all about the food. I can make it about the food, but it’s about me. I can talk myself into any kind of treat imaginable but it won’t make me run faster or lift heavier. Of course, that’s the problem with emotions...what’s more appetizing at the moment: Not doing prescribed for the workout tomorrow or Cabernet with Paleo Chinese Meatballs now? Nevermind which is worse.

I’m not sure how to buy off my guilt for wanting that wine because I don’t feel guilt for drinking it. I feel guilt for wanting it.

The Path may not be as short or narrow as it seemed before. Physically I do not feel like I’m back at the beginning, but mentally, I’m not so sure.

I do know one thing.

If I cheat, I cheat only myself.

Day 30

Stats: 30 days ago I was 24.5% body fat. Today I am 21.3%. Just a smidge over 3% down. Nice. My goal is 18%. The challenge still has 4 more weeks. I can now eat regular Paleo, adding honey and agave nectar to things. I could, technically, have a slice of pizza and call it a cheat meal, but I'm not sure I'm ready for that. This challenge is day to day. Today was a good day. I did melt and have two bites of a popcorn ball...but, what are you gonna do? It was in my hand. Oh well. Feeling good, can't do much better than that.

Loaded Lasagna

Years ago, we used to be pasta people. In Tennessee, before children, we ate out A LOT and I always ordered pasta. I love pasta. Love, love, love. Then we moved to Germany and the Italians there made pasta like I'd never had before, so much better than in the States! Again, we ate out all the time, and I usually ordered pasta. Pasta can't get much easier. You can meld so many different flavors together, so many different ways and create a new and flavorful dish every night of the week if you wish. Alas, my love of pasta kind of got sidetracked when I moved to NM and discovered green chile. I love green chile. LOVE, LOVE, LOVE. So, we don't eat much pasta here and now with Paleo, not at all.

The production of so much almond cream cheese for my one coffee cake (last week) lead me to thoughts on what I could use the rest for. It wasn't really a cream cheese texture, more like ricotta. And then it came to me...LASAGNA. The mother of all pasta dishes, my favorite as a child, the one dish I can really make and everyone loves...I could recreate with Paleo using sliced zucchini for the noodles.

I am not so ambitious to make my own sausage, so I bought some all-natural, hand-made from the butcher. I (shhh!) did buy two cans of Hunt's diced tomatoes because the thought of boiling and peeling tomatoes today almost sent me over the edge and I would've had to eat the dozen mini cakes I purchased yesterday at Cake Fetish (another story). So, I set to baking, and all I can say is...YUM. Zucchini really does have the texture and consistency of a noodle and held up perfect for the layers. Even Shawn loved it, and that's amazing, since my concoctions are not his fav.

Paleo Lasagna

2 T evoo

1 leek, cleaned and chopped

4 garlic cloves, minced

2 (14 oz) cans diced tomatoes

1 T oregano

1 1/2 cups pre-made almond cream cheese*

2 T pre-made basil pesto

1 lb. hot Italian sausage

1 large zucchini, sliced in 1/8" pieces

Preheat oven to 350°. In medium saucepan, heat evoo over med-high heat. Add leeks and garlic and saute until translucent. Add diced tomatoes and bring to simmer. Cook sausage in separate skillet, breaking up into small pieces with spoon as it cooks, and until no longer pink. Add cooked sausage to sauce and turn on low while you make the next mixture.

To the 1 1/2 cups of cream cheese add the oregano and pre-made pesto. Mix well.

In a casserole dish (my was 6x9) put a small amount of sauce on the bottom. Next, layer 3-6 zucchini pieces, depending on fit. Spread about 1/3 cup of the cheese mixture on top of zucchini and then add 1/2c sauce. Layer zucchini, cheese and sauce, ending with sauce until the dish is full. Bake for 45 minutes and let rest for 5 min. before serving. Try not to moan and flutter eyelids while eating.

Day 20: BRING YOUR SWORD

For the past 19 days I have stayed true to strict Paleo. Even though I have ventured out of the house to visit others, it has only been for an hour or so, and I have planned accordingly with my own snacks or arriving full. Today, however, the true test was given because I went to two different parties. One was a child’s party with cake and ice cream and the other was a friend’s house with chicken enchiladas. First and foremost: I did not sway. The smell of the icing at the birthday party did make me salivate, but I didn’t even have a taste.

Fueled by confidence this evening, I called to see if my girlfriend would be offended if I brought my own gluten-free/dairy-free enchiladas and dessert. She was absolutely fine with it. Her support was so freeing I almost wept.

I can feel the negativity of others. I can feel their thoughts. It sounds totally corny, but I read my “Whole30” folder from my trainer before I went to the birthday party. There’s an entire section titled, “How to Beat the Skeptics”. I didn’t read it simply because I was going to politely turn down cake and ice cream. I read it as my mantra.

You know when people preface a sentence with, “I don’t want to sound mean”, or, “I mean this in the kindest way,” and my personal favorite, “I don’t understand why...”, you are in for a special treat on how they think you are crazy. It vexes me. It makes me terribly vexed. My body issues are MY OWN and I WANT to perform my best. I WANT to do as many burpees in 20 minutes as the woman who has a 7 week old infant. I DO NOT want people to consider me as the Blue Falcon in a team workout. Not only are many more things on my list, but the fact that I feel fantastic doesn’t even seem to cease these skeptics. As these statements have been made to me, I really have had to fight back tears...and ANGER. What I WANT to say is: I’ve already lost 4 pounds, 2 inches, and all the bloating that I had at bedtime. I no longer look 6 months pregnant when I go to bed. And then I want to scream, “CAN’T YOU SEE? AREN’T I, AS MYSELF, ENCOURAGEMENT ENOUGH FOR YOU TO GET OFF YOUR ASS AND MAKE CHANGES FOR YOU, INSTEAD OF MAKING FUN OF ME?” But I don’t. I don’t scream, rant or quote Robb Wolf or Loren Cordain. I simply am.

I have thrown out the old food pyramid and learned that I can make a fabulous meal without feeling a hint of sacrifice. Yes, the smell of freshly baked bread makes my eyes water with mournful tears sometimes, then I remember all the trials my body had with grains. It’s a process and one I am willing to fight for. Instead of feeling like there are so many things I’ve given up, I am focusing on all the new things I’ve learned to love. Soon, hopefully, my body will learn that it’s not going to get carbs from grains anymore and will start eating the fat I want it to. That’s my focus.

My name is Angela Denise Cobb, commander of the foodies in this household, general of the weekly menus, loyal servant to good health. Mother to three innocents, wife to a meritorious sous chef, and I will change our lives, with this challenge. Now is the time, the gauntlet is down. Meet me at the box. Strength and honor.

The hell you say!

I knew I had to recreate the Cream Cheese Coffee Cake from the seminar as soon as I tasted it. Because, yes, it does, taste JUST LIKE CHEESECAKE. There is no cream cheese in it and it's strict Paleo, so I am proud. As I was tricking my brain I did feel a wee bit scared because it tastes soooo good, I thought I might be cheating without realizing it. Even my husband ate it. Hopefully not just to appease me, because I could've had two slices. The blanching of the almonds took awhile, about 20 minutes, to get all those little jackets off. Next time I'll just buy them {which I wasn't aware of before (dumbass alert!)} but it was worth every. single. bite. Also, the cream cheese recipe makes much more than you need, so realize you'll have to integrate it somewhere else, in another recipe.

Blueberry Cream Cheese Coffee Cake adapted from Brianna Fackrell

2 1/4 c almonds

1 1/4 c dates

2/3 c coconut oil

1/2 tsp baking powder

1/2 tsp baking soda

1/4 tsp salt

1/2 c coconut milk or almond milk

2 eggs, divided

1 tsp vanilla, divided

1 c almond cream cheese

3/4 c frozen berries

juice of one orange

Preheat oven to 350°. Grease springform pan with oil (I used coconut). In food processor grind almonds, dates and process until it has an even crumb. Add coconut oil and process. Take out 1 cup of the crumb mixture and reserve for topping. To the remaining crumb mixture add powder, soda, salt, 1/2 tsp vanilla, milk (I used coconut) and 1 egg. Mix until smooth. Pour into springform pan.

Next, mix the cream cheese with 1 egg, half the orange juice, and 1/2 tsp vanilla. Spread on top of the crumb mixture.

Simmer the berries in a saucepan with the remaining orange juice until they cook down, about 15 minutes. Spoon the berries on top of the cream cheese. Sprinkle the reserved 1 cup crumb mixture over the top. Bake for 50-60 minutes.

Almond Cream Cheese

2 c blanche almonds

2 Tbs unflavored gelatin

2 tsp salt

2 Tbs lemon juice

3 1/2 c boiling water*

Blend until creamy and smooth. Pour into a bowl and chill until set, preferably overnight.

*Be careful blending with boiling water. My water sat in the blender while I pulled all those teeny tiny jackets off the almonds and was still perfectly hot enough to work with, without giving me burn scars.

Paleo Baking

Fruit and Nut Bars

About 13 days into strict Paleo, I started twitching. It wasn't because of a craving for something to eat, but for something to bake. I am an avid baker and just cooking really doesn't do it for me. That's why I'm in a mixed marriage: he cooks, I bake. These bars originally called for vanilla and honey, but I can't have that during "Whole30", so I adapted it to me. We ate the 8x8 pan in two days. There may or may not have been grunting involved.

adapted from Primal Nut Bars, The Caveman Cafe

Ingredients:

1 c slivered almonds

1 c walnuts

1/2 c coconut flour

1/2 c unsweetened dried coconut

1/2 c almond butter

1/2 c coconut oil

1/4 c fresh squeezed orange juice

zest of one orange

1/4 tsp salt

1 c dried fruit, like raisins or cranberries

Preheat the oven to 350° and toast the nuts until golden brown. Watch carefully, they'll burn fast. Once they're cooled off, process them until they are coarse meal. Stir them together with the coconut flour in a medium bowl.

Combine the almond butter and coconut oil and heat in microwave until smooth (about 30 seconds). Add the orange juice, zest, salt and mix until creamy. Fold in the nut mix and then add the fruit. Spread and pat into an 8x8 dish and chill for at least 1 hour until set. Cut into squares and serve. Store in the refrigerator.